THE ALTAR AND THE PEW
(The Vocation Story and Reflection of Roimar Ocho Montezo)
THE FIRST CALLING
The Beginning of God’s Plan
When I was a second year high school student of SAIT (San Agustin Institute of Technology), I became an altar boy in our parish. Without knowing that, this will be the beginning of my priestly desire. As a young lad at that time the reasons why I enter in the organization were the following; I got attracted of their white vestment, their participation in the altar while mass is going on and lastly to become popular in school.
My First Sotana
As life goes on there was a nun who is very devoted in the Legion of Mary. She wanted that the organization of the altar boys must inclined also to the Legion of Mary, and to change the system and to practice the Legion of Mary in the Organization. But, it was not as easy as that, because all our officers neglected the offer. But to cut it short all those who don’t favor the offer quit the organization, and they are mostly my classmates and friends in school. Nevertheless, because I was a newly member at that time and my sotana was brand new and expensive, I decided not to go or quit with the group. Therefore my brand new and expensive sotana saved the day.
The Presence of MCM sister
At that time I thought that the organization will fade away. But it was the opposite things happen. Though we are like sheep with out shepherd because we have no leader. Sr. Delia Akut, MCM sister became our moderator with her assistant an aspirant of their congregation became our shepherd and “ATE”. The whole program of our organization was changed and all of us must undergo those changes. New or old altar boy must take a 1 month test on perseverance and dedication of the organization. Some fails but most of us pass the test. We are now officially a member of Valencia Altar Boys and Legion of Mary. Our praesidium name was Stella Mariz. We commemorate this event on a graduation ceremony headed by our parish priest Fr. Arnold Ranque in front of the church goers and our parents during his 6 pm Saturday mass. That was one of the unforgettable moments in my life as a young lad, wearing a new sotana in front of the people. My second sotana to be precise.
Servant hood in the Organization
When our organization was now well organized, my colleagues voted me as their president and to lead the organization for the better. I accepted the challenge though I hated the position because of the responsibility that lays a head. The organization runs smoothly though you can’t please everybody. We are not just merely sacristan doing typical things as a server or assisting priest in the mass. We have also an apostolate like visiting the jail, choir every wednesday morning, teaching catechism especially in the month of May, we also have socialization once a month and of course we have time to strengthen our spiritual aspects in life. We have Taize prayer, recollection, black rosary, regular meeting once a week and pilgrimage.
This is the time I really experienced the love of God and my devotion to Mother Mary. And this is also the starting point of my attraction in the priestly life. This is the best moment of my life, seems all things runs so smoothly starting from my family, friends, financial status until to my studies. I can only say what an ecstasy.
My Best Friend
One of the best gifts I ever received from God was the friend of mine who became my best friend. I meet him in the organization and became my vice president. His name is Ariel Quintero. It was almost the end of the school year and we are third year at that time, when we talked about what courses to take up in college. I was surprised by his answer when he said to me with conviction that he wanted to be a priest someday. When it was my turn to share priest hood was excluded in my list. When Sr. Delia called our attention to go to her office, he ask both of us what course to take up in college. When it was my turn I just exclaimed in a loud voice “MAG PARI LAGI KO SISTER”, with laughing ridiculously, because I did mean what I say. However, I was shocked of her reaction, she said to me in a saintly manner “That what comes out from your Mouth comes from your Heart.” And he gave us her advised to discern more.
The Turning Point
The most exciting moment when you are high school was to be an aspirant of CAT-1 Officers. This is the dream of every student, and I was one of that dreamers. For several days of training and sacrificing, one late afternoon our commandant pulled me out in the platoon, and she talked to me immediately with out any ado. She said “are you Mr. Montezo? You know what? you have the potential to be the batcom in this batch of yours, but you can’t serve two master at the same time. Hearing these words from her was so shocking, I said to myself, “HAG-AS NISOLOD MANING TWO MASTER?” And she continued saying, “if you’re here tomorrow in your training it means that you leave the other but if you are not here it means you quit in here. I was really, really confused of what she said to me.
In the next day, the date was September 8, 2003 there were two big events of my life at that time in same venue. First, was the training and second was the celebration of Blessed Virgin Mary on her birthday with my organization. I didn’t leave the organization, I participated the program while watching my fellow classmates do the training. Until now I didn’t know why I did that or give up such dream of mine. But one thing for sure I’ll never regret my decision and I just offer it to the Blessed Virgin Mary as my gift on her birthday. Because of this spiritual experienced, as early as third year I already concluded what to take up in college, and that was to be a priest someday.
I and my best friend took the entrance exam of Pope John 23rd College Seminary; we both passed the written exam. Unfortunately he didn’t pass the interview. Yah! It’s very disappointing but it’s not a hindrance to continue the passion to follow Christ and to pursue my priestly vocation.
Seminary Years
Originally we are 19 in our batch. We called our batch as TUBURAN. Staying in the seminary is very challenging. You encounter 18 different personalities everyday, with the longing of your friends and family, plus the structure you live under the formation. But with the love of the Lord and faith to him I survived. I was recommended to continue college and there was also some who didn’t make it. I was very grateful when I was recommended because my dream is now starting to be realized.
In college, though the pressure of the academics of the school and philosophy in the seminary are high, still I live the CASA life of the seminary. I became a consistent dean’s lister in the school and no major offense in the seminary formation.
The longer I stayed in the formation the more crises I’ve experienced. I’ve experienced different crises in my life as seminarian. Like the dryness and emptiness, uncertainty of your vocation, demand of the seminary and demand of the school, the attraction of opposite sex, etc.
Dryness, emptiness, uncertainty, demands, etc. was cope up by mine with the grace of the Lord. But in the attraction towards the opposite sex, I failed. Due to my desire and peer pressure also. Because every body is doing it why can’t I? That was my statement before I enter to a forbidden relationship towards the opposite sex. I was second year at that time that I thought she’s the answer of my misery, but I was wrong.
The Truthfulness
It was our summer class in philosophy at Pre-College Seminary, 2003. In general there were no big problems encountered or misfits of the seminarians while in the Pre-College. But at the end of our summer class we are gathered all together with Fr. Vir for important business to tell. Seeing the face of Fr. Vir I know there is something wrong, and I was precisely right. Until I was called personally in his office at the bishop’s house, He tells me what the problem is and the reason why I was being called. Before I went there I’d already told myself to be honest and to tell the truth and expect the unexpected.
The Tribulation
When Fr. Vir ask me about all the information that he needed I hastily answers all his questions with out lies with the faith that it you tell the truth you will be forgiven or given a compensation to your fault. But that was not realized. Leaving the bishop’s house after my interrogation, I didn’t think negatively instead think positively that I will be given a second chance by the committee. I’m very confident at that time because as I look back my life as seminarian for 3 years I haven’t yet a record of major offense aside from this one. Comparing to the other seminarians who were included in this anomaly that was my mental set up I’ve got into my mind. Though I’m confident I still worry and my only prayer at that moment was that, “Your will be done Lord and a fair trial”.
A week before the enrollment starts I went back to Fr. Vir to know the decision of the committee. As I heard the report coming from his mouth that I am suggested to stay out side in the formation for a year, there is no impulsive reaction coming from my side. I just listen to him and go out to his office accepting the decision of the committee. When I went back to the seminary to get my belongings, I told my best friend while walking towards the seminary, that if those seminarians whom I know has a worse case than me were still their, I will not be back in the seminary forever, I will condemn it for the rest of my life. While approaching near in the seminary those guys that I’ve been talking about was still their and render a smile with me. Seeing them in the seminary burst my heart with anger and hate. And I said to myself that honesty is not the best policy because if I lied during in the interrogation maybe I’m still in the formation. That was the most painful experienced I’ve encountered in my life. I get easily irritated, ashamed, depressed, in general it changes my aura as an energetic and sociable person. Only the redhorse, tanduay and emperador are my friends during that time, they made me at ease and forget the mishap of my life though it is just for a while. And I remember one seminarian told me once when I was still a sacristan at that time, he said “If you wanted to become a priest then lie” I thought it was just a cliché of the seminarians but it is a reality based on my experienced. I have so many questions and doubt about the decision of the committee. What’s the grieve reason of my deportation from the seminary? My mind are full of why? Why? Why? That’s why I put all the grudges to one person, in the presence of Fr. Vir because he is the only person I see, talk and the person who interrogates me.
The Sun Shines
Realizing that my whole life was affected of the misfortune of mine especially my social life and my academics, that’s why I decided to cope up. One of my techniques in coping up is to write what I felt and formulate it with a rhyme so that it can be sung. I actually made two songs dedicated to my self entitled “Hatred Theme” and “Buti pa Sila”. Every time I sing this song with intense emotion I felt relieve and it lessens the pain inside my heart. But it doesn’t heal me totally. So, I’ve done one of the bravest acts in my life to talk the person who is the cause of all my miseries. I cried in front of him saying that I hated him so much and carrying this for 6 months. After I expressed my remorse to him and listening also to his side I was totally healed and can afford to smile to everybody whom I thought my enemy. And I’m back in the business as a person who is enthusiastic and audacious.
Life outside the Formation
After I was sent out, I’d also break up with my girl friend and find another one. I focus my life in studying and enjoying what life has to offer me now. When I was 4th year, those seminarians who are involved on the summer class anomaly were sent out to formation for different reasons. The population of ex-seminarian grows in number outside the formation, so we decided to create a B.E.C. cell for our spiritual outlet aside from attending masses. That’s our outlet where we can express all the grudges and resentment in the seminary. We sometimes invite priest to attend our session and Fr. Vir was one of them.
There are many pleasant things happen into my life after I was sent out. One of them was I became the Editor-in-Chief of our yearbook and Graduated Cum Laude, despite of all the circumstances I’ve experienced in my life. And every time my friends, teachers, classmates and relatives ask me about when will I enter back in the seminary? I’ll always response them in this phrase, “next question please!”
SECOND CALLING
The Courtship Started
After my graduation I got my first job as a part time teacher of San Isidro College High School Department. I taught English I&II, PEHM3, Social Studies II and Computer II. I felt bless because of the fortune I’ve got which I can earn and live with out the support of my parents. As a neophyte on this field of teaching I’d encountered difficulties not in terms of the relationship towards my colleagues but the difficulties to cope the demand of my subjects. I really need give an extra time and extra effort to study and research because most of the subject I taught was not my field. Despite of that situation I still love my job and do great things on it.
It was late July when I felt emptiness in my heart though I’ve almost got everything still there is a missing piece. I taught I needed a girlfriend? When I got one though I’m happy, but yet not satisfied and still looking for more. Sometimes it crosses my mind to go back in the formation but I just told to my self “no way” this is not the answer of my misery.
The Power of Prayer
Month of August I experienced the power of the prayer.
Teacher’s Board Exam is fast approaching the more I become tense and pressured. There’s a lot of what if in my mind. So, I made a deal to the Lord that if I pass the exam it means, that teaching is my calling but if I failed, priesthood is my calling. Further the exam came, and I take the exam with an ecstasy of calmness and preparedness mentally and emotionally. Though I didn’t answer all the questions correctly, I’m just amaze of my disposition during I took the exam. The tranquility I’ve experienced was a concrete example of God’s love for me. He really listens to my plea. It is really true that if you have faith when you pray, you will be given whatever you ask for. (Mt.21:22)
Struggle from With In
Waiting for the result of the exam, life goes on in the field with the hope that I pass the exam. In the faculty room during our vacant period it’s the time to chit-chat. Some teacher will share about their family problems; their insecurities in life, failures, etc… some will also share to me and advised me that marriage is not all about sex. Upon hearing all those issues in marital status, it gives me a birds eye view what will be my life in the near future, and every time priesthood crosses my mind I said no way. I did everything and anything to answer what I am looking for and what’s the reason why I felt such emptiness, and I did not succeed in my quest. I still struggle the emptiness in my heart, a struggle that myself can only help and solve.
The Deal was Broken
The result of the teacher’s licensure exam was already released. Fortunately I passed the exam and I really praise God for the miracle and never forget the deal we have. But I myself broke it up because though I’m professional teacher now still it doesn’t fill the emptiness in my heart. At this time I give chance to God that he can now bossed my life. This is the time also I ask for reinforcement in the person of Fr. Vir to help me what is going on into my life. And he became my spiritual director. Life must go on until the school year ended.
Date with the Lord
As a catholic Institution, annual retreat of the personnel is expected. It was held at Jesuit Retreat House, Malaybalay City and facilitated by Fr. Bobby Cena. There’s only one thing in my mind to get from this retreat and that is to seek answer of what I am searching for. I really experience that God is working with me by giving some insights to the answer I’ve been looking for. During the confession Fr. Bobby ask me that when will you be back in the formation. It got my attention, but I said again to myself no way it’s not what God want me to do. But, you know based on my reflections during the retreat that was really the message of God to me. However, I don’t take it seriously and stop reflecting.
Looking for Greener Pasture
I did not renew my contract in San Isidro College High School Department, for the purpose I have other plan to do. I wanted to apply at the government school in our city. Then when I already finish passing all the needed requirements in the Dep-Ed, San Andres High School and SAIT phone me that they are in need of teacher in there institution but I rejected the offer though I’m not yet sure what will happen to my application in the Dep-Ed.
While waiting in my rank it is also the time that I have time to myself and focus in my life. The intense courtship of God strikes back again into my life. Every night I experienced talking to myself, like a foolish person, asking questions and sometimes beating my head and asking what is going on. It seems like a torture or punishment inside my brain. This dramatic event of mine makes me realize that I’m futile and disabled because there’s nothing I can do about it. It makes me kneeled and vowed down before Christ with the prayer “Lord, help me how to surrender my self” “the more I deny you the stronger you strike back”.
I have also time to evaluate my teaching experience at SICHS. Realizing that teaching is really not my calling do I did a great job still it doesn’t filled my heart. I’d envy my colleagues who are happy doing their job and why I can’t be like them in order to settle down and to be happy. Why I felt this disturbance of my heart why others don’t? What’s wrong with me? Am I cursed? Or this is really not my path or purpose in life? I really craving to be enlightened and to grasp his message into my life and what really God wants me to do. However, this annoyance makes me compose a song that I love much to play every time it strikes back. It is entitled ‘The Light’.
The Day I Say Yes
It was July 9, 2006 at St. Augustine parish church. I was attending the 4th mass presided by Fr. Boy Cagatin. The afternoon was perfect to hear a homily since cool breeze is on the air. Nevertheless, when the mass started I felt unease and I can’t explain what I felt during that time its kind of disturbance again in my heart. I felt tired, bored, etc. And I argue God saying “Lord seldom I visit your house to be with you for an hour but why you treat me this way?” Until the homily was finish still I felt disturb not by the church goers, because I’m sitting alone in the pew. God disturb me. Without nowhere to run to hide and to powerless and to tired, I announce to Him saying “YES, I will go back in the seminary” adding “you win Lord” after that announcement the feeling of emptiness and unease were gone like a bubble and feeling fresh both body and soul. I was amaze of God’s manifestation to me in the pew. By this experience it became my conviction that I was really called in the priestly vocation. I was the last man who went out side the church after the mass because I’m still amaze of what happen before the communion. Bringing the realization, that God works in a mysterious way through simple things, God can’t be rationalize rather he may understand by listening your heart. Don’t think God rather feel God. Lastly, as what St. Augustine told us, that your heart is restless until it rest in God.
After the Manifestation
I write a song entitled “motivation/conviction”. I am now at peace; the trouble in my heart is gone already. Excited to reapply again in the seminary and spreading the news to my priest friends and my tita’s what happen to me last July 9. All my worries and uncertainties if ever I will be admitted again in the seminary was offer now to God. With nothing to be afraid off or worry about because I know now His with me in this journey. I will do the best I can give and he will do the things I can’t do. Now, we became partners in this journey to the Father.
Moreover, God gives me the message why I was sent out, why I was left in our batch, etc. he told me that there’s a purpose of everything he done unto me, to become stronger, because I have a task to do in the near future. Believing God says, yes He is precisely right. With out those crosses in my life I’m not this strong as I am now. I remembered what God says to St. Rose of Lima when He says “the graces comes after tribulation and that with out the cross men can find no heaven.” I know that following Him is not easy, but why should I worry if we love each other. Surrendering my self and let him bossed my life is the only key in this journey. This is how God called me. First, in the altar then in the pew. People say that the second time is greater than the first. YES!
(The Vocation Story and Reflection of Roimar Ocho Montezo)
THE FIRST CALLING
The Beginning of God’s Plan
When I was a second year high school student of SAIT (San Agustin Institute of Technology), I became an altar boy in our parish. Without knowing that, this will be the beginning of my priestly desire. As a young lad at that time the reasons why I enter in the organization were the following; I got attracted of their white vestment, their participation in the altar while mass is going on and lastly to become popular in school.
My First Sotana
As life goes on there was a nun who is very devoted in the Legion of Mary. She wanted that the organization of the altar boys must inclined also to the Legion of Mary, and to change the system and to practice the Legion of Mary in the Organization. But, it was not as easy as that, because all our officers neglected the offer. But to cut it short all those who don’t favor the offer quit the organization, and they are mostly my classmates and friends in school. Nevertheless, because I was a newly member at that time and my sotana was brand new and expensive, I decided not to go or quit with the group. Therefore my brand new and expensive sotana saved the day.
The Presence of MCM sister
At that time I thought that the organization will fade away. But it was the opposite things happen. Though we are like sheep with out shepherd because we have no leader. Sr. Delia Akut, MCM sister became our moderator with her assistant an aspirant of their congregation became our shepherd and “ATE”. The whole program of our organization was changed and all of us must undergo those changes. New or old altar boy must take a 1 month test on perseverance and dedication of the organization. Some fails but most of us pass the test. We are now officially a member of Valencia Altar Boys and Legion of Mary. Our praesidium name was Stella Mariz. We commemorate this event on a graduation ceremony headed by our parish priest Fr. Arnold Ranque in front of the church goers and our parents during his 6 pm Saturday mass. That was one of the unforgettable moments in my life as a young lad, wearing a new sotana in front of the people. My second sotana to be precise.
Servant hood in the Organization
When our organization was now well organized, my colleagues voted me as their president and to lead the organization for the better. I accepted the challenge though I hated the position because of the responsibility that lays a head. The organization runs smoothly though you can’t please everybody. We are not just merely sacristan doing typical things as a server or assisting priest in the mass. We have also an apostolate like visiting the jail, choir every wednesday morning, teaching catechism especially in the month of May, we also have socialization once a month and of course we have time to strengthen our spiritual aspects in life. We have Taize prayer, recollection, black rosary, regular meeting once a week and pilgrimage.
This is the time I really experienced the love of God and my devotion to Mother Mary. And this is also the starting point of my attraction in the priestly life. This is the best moment of my life, seems all things runs so smoothly starting from my family, friends, financial status until to my studies. I can only say what an ecstasy.
My Best Friend
One of the best gifts I ever received from God was the friend of mine who became my best friend. I meet him in the organization and became my vice president. His name is Ariel Quintero. It was almost the end of the school year and we are third year at that time, when we talked about what courses to take up in college. I was surprised by his answer when he said to me with conviction that he wanted to be a priest someday. When it was my turn to share priest hood was excluded in my list. When Sr. Delia called our attention to go to her office, he ask both of us what course to take up in college. When it was my turn I just exclaimed in a loud voice “MAG PARI LAGI KO SISTER”, with laughing ridiculously, because I did mean what I say. However, I was shocked of her reaction, she said to me in a saintly manner “That what comes out from your Mouth comes from your Heart.” And he gave us her advised to discern more.
The Turning Point
The most exciting moment when you are high school was to be an aspirant of CAT-1 Officers. This is the dream of every student, and I was one of that dreamers. For several days of training and sacrificing, one late afternoon our commandant pulled me out in the platoon, and she talked to me immediately with out any ado. She said “are you Mr. Montezo? You know what? you have the potential to be the batcom in this batch of yours, but you can’t serve two master at the same time. Hearing these words from her was so shocking, I said to myself, “HAG-AS NISOLOD MANING TWO MASTER?” And she continued saying, “if you’re here tomorrow in your training it means that you leave the other but if you are not here it means you quit in here. I was really, really confused of what she said to me.
In the next day, the date was September 8, 2003 there were two big events of my life at that time in same venue. First, was the training and second was the celebration of Blessed Virgin Mary on her birthday with my organization. I didn’t leave the organization, I participated the program while watching my fellow classmates do the training. Until now I didn’t know why I did that or give up such dream of mine. But one thing for sure I’ll never regret my decision and I just offer it to the Blessed Virgin Mary as my gift on her birthday. Because of this spiritual experienced, as early as third year I already concluded what to take up in college, and that was to be a priest someday.
I and my best friend took the entrance exam of Pope John 23rd College Seminary; we both passed the written exam. Unfortunately he didn’t pass the interview. Yah! It’s very disappointing but it’s not a hindrance to continue the passion to follow Christ and to pursue my priestly vocation.
Seminary Years
Originally we are 19 in our batch. We called our batch as TUBURAN. Staying in the seminary is very challenging. You encounter 18 different personalities everyday, with the longing of your friends and family, plus the structure you live under the formation. But with the love of the Lord and faith to him I survived. I was recommended to continue college and there was also some who didn’t make it. I was very grateful when I was recommended because my dream is now starting to be realized.
In college, though the pressure of the academics of the school and philosophy in the seminary are high, still I live the CASA life of the seminary. I became a consistent dean’s lister in the school and no major offense in the seminary formation.
The longer I stayed in the formation the more crises I’ve experienced. I’ve experienced different crises in my life as seminarian. Like the dryness and emptiness, uncertainty of your vocation, demand of the seminary and demand of the school, the attraction of opposite sex, etc.
Dryness, emptiness, uncertainty, demands, etc. was cope up by mine with the grace of the Lord. But in the attraction towards the opposite sex, I failed. Due to my desire and peer pressure also. Because every body is doing it why can’t I? That was my statement before I enter to a forbidden relationship towards the opposite sex. I was second year at that time that I thought she’s the answer of my misery, but I was wrong.
The Truthfulness
It was our summer class in philosophy at Pre-College Seminary, 2003. In general there were no big problems encountered or misfits of the seminarians while in the Pre-College. But at the end of our summer class we are gathered all together with Fr. Vir for important business to tell. Seeing the face of Fr. Vir I know there is something wrong, and I was precisely right. Until I was called personally in his office at the bishop’s house, He tells me what the problem is and the reason why I was being called. Before I went there I’d already told myself to be honest and to tell the truth and expect the unexpected.
The Tribulation
When Fr. Vir ask me about all the information that he needed I hastily answers all his questions with out lies with the faith that it you tell the truth you will be forgiven or given a compensation to your fault. But that was not realized. Leaving the bishop’s house after my interrogation, I didn’t think negatively instead think positively that I will be given a second chance by the committee. I’m very confident at that time because as I look back my life as seminarian for 3 years I haven’t yet a record of major offense aside from this one. Comparing to the other seminarians who were included in this anomaly that was my mental set up I’ve got into my mind. Though I’m confident I still worry and my only prayer at that moment was that, “Your will be done Lord and a fair trial”.
A week before the enrollment starts I went back to Fr. Vir to know the decision of the committee. As I heard the report coming from his mouth that I am suggested to stay out side in the formation for a year, there is no impulsive reaction coming from my side. I just listen to him and go out to his office accepting the decision of the committee. When I went back to the seminary to get my belongings, I told my best friend while walking towards the seminary, that if those seminarians whom I know has a worse case than me were still their, I will not be back in the seminary forever, I will condemn it for the rest of my life. While approaching near in the seminary those guys that I’ve been talking about was still their and render a smile with me. Seeing them in the seminary burst my heart with anger and hate. And I said to myself that honesty is not the best policy because if I lied during in the interrogation maybe I’m still in the formation. That was the most painful experienced I’ve encountered in my life. I get easily irritated, ashamed, depressed, in general it changes my aura as an energetic and sociable person. Only the redhorse, tanduay and emperador are my friends during that time, they made me at ease and forget the mishap of my life though it is just for a while. And I remember one seminarian told me once when I was still a sacristan at that time, he said “If you wanted to become a priest then lie” I thought it was just a cliché of the seminarians but it is a reality based on my experienced. I have so many questions and doubt about the decision of the committee. What’s the grieve reason of my deportation from the seminary? My mind are full of why? Why? Why? That’s why I put all the grudges to one person, in the presence of Fr. Vir because he is the only person I see, talk and the person who interrogates me.
The Sun Shines
Realizing that my whole life was affected of the misfortune of mine especially my social life and my academics, that’s why I decided to cope up. One of my techniques in coping up is to write what I felt and formulate it with a rhyme so that it can be sung. I actually made two songs dedicated to my self entitled “Hatred Theme” and “Buti pa Sila”. Every time I sing this song with intense emotion I felt relieve and it lessens the pain inside my heart. But it doesn’t heal me totally. So, I’ve done one of the bravest acts in my life to talk the person who is the cause of all my miseries. I cried in front of him saying that I hated him so much and carrying this for 6 months. After I expressed my remorse to him and listening also to his side I was totally healed and can afford to smile to everybody whom I thought my enemy. And I’m back in the business as a person who is enthusiastic and audacious.
Life outside the Formation
After I was sent out, I’d also break up with my girl friend and find another one. I focus my life in studying and enjoying what life has to offer me now. When I was 4th year, those seminarians who are involved on the summer class anomaly were sent out to formation for different reasons. The population of ex-seminarian grows in number outside the formation, so we decided to create a B.E.C. cell for our spiritual outlet aside from attending masses. That’s our outlet where we can express all the grudges and resentment in the seminary. We sometimes invite priest to attend our session and Fr. Vir was one of them.
There are many pleasant things happen into my life after I was sent out. One of them was I became the Editor-in-Chief of our yearbook and Graduated Cum Laude, despite of all the circumstances I’ve experienced in my life. And every time my friends, teachers, classmates and relatives ask me about when will I enter back in the seminary? I’ll always response them in this phrase, “next question please!”
SECOND CALLING
The Courtship Started
After my graduation I got my first job as a part time teacher of San Isidro College High School Department. I taught English I&II, PEHM3, Social Studies II and Computer II. I felt bless because of the fortune I’ve got which I can earn and live with out the support of my parents. As a neophyte on this field of teaching I’d encountered difficulties not in terms of the relationship towards my colleagues but the difficulties to cope the demand of my subjects. I really need give an extra time and extra effort to study and research because most of the subject I taught was not my field. Despite of that situation I still love my job and do great things on it.
It was late July when I felt emptiness in my heart though I’ve almost got everything still there is a missing piece. I taught I needed a girlfriend? When I got one though I’m happy, but yet not satisfied and still looking for more. Sometimes it crosses my mind to go back in the formation but I just told to my self “no way” this is not the answer of my misery.
The Power of Prayer
Month of August I experienced the power of the prayer.
Teacher’s Board Exam is fast approaching the more I become tense and pressured. There’s a lot of what if in my mind. So, I made a deal to the Lord that if I pass the exam it means, that teaching is my calling but if I failed, priesthood is my calling. Further the exam came, and I take the exam with an ecstasy of calmness and preparedness mentally and emotionally. Though I didn’t answer all the questions correctly, I’m just amaze of my disposition during I took the exam. The tranquility I’ve experienced was a concrete example of God’s love for me. He really listens to my plea. It is really true that if you have faith when you pray, you will be given whatever you ask for. (Mt.21:22)
Struggle from With In
Waiting for the result of the exam, life goes on in the field with the hope that I pass the exam. In the faculty room during our vacant period it’s the time to chit-chat. Some teacher will share about their family problems; their insecurities in life, failures, etc… some will also share to me and advised me that marriage is not all about sex. Upon hearing all those issues in marital status, it gives me a birds eye view what will be my life in the near future, and every time priesthood crosses my mind I said no way. I did everything and anything to answer what I am looking for and what’s the reason why I felt such emptiness, and I did not succeed in my quest. I still struggle the emptiness in my heart, a struggle that myself can only help and solve.
The Deal was Broken
The result of the teacher’s licensure exam was already released. Fortunately I passed the exam and I really praise God for the miracle and never forget the deal we have. But I myself broke it up because though I’m professional teacher now still it doesn’t fill the emptiness in my heart. At this time I give chance to God that he can now bossed my life. This is the time also I ask for reinforcement in the person of Fr. Vir to help me what is going on into my life. And he became my spiritual director. Life must go on until the school year ended.
Date with the Lord
As a catholic Institution, annual retreat of the personnel is expected. It was held at Jesuit Retreat House, Malaybalay City and facilitated by Fr. Bobby Cena. There’s only one thing in my mind to get from this retreat and that is to seek answer of what I am searching for. I really experience that God is working with me by giving some insights to the answer I’ve been looking for. During the confession Fr. Bobby ask me that when will you be back in the formation. It got my attention, but I said again to myself no way it’s not what God want me to do. But, you know based on my reflections during the retreat that was really the message of God to me. However, I don’t take it seriously and stop reflecting.
Looking for Greener Pasture
I did not renew my contract in San Isidro College High School Department, for the purpose I have other plan to do. I wanted to apply at the government school in our city. Then when I already finish passing all the needed requirements in the Dep-Ed, San Andres High School and SAIT phone me that they are in need of teacher in there institution but I rejected the offer though I’m not yet sure what will happen to my application in the Dep-Ed.
While waiting in my rank it is also the time that I have time to myself and focus in my life. The intense courtship of God strikes back again into my life. Every night I experienced talking to myself, like a foolish person, asking questions and sometimes beating my head and asking what is going on. It seems like a torture or punishment inside my brain. This dramatic event of mine makes me realize that I’m futile and disabled because there’s nothing I can do about it. It makes me kneeled and vowed down before Christ with the prayer “Lord, help me how to surrender my self” “the more I deny you the stronger you strike back”.
I have also time to evaluate my teaching experience at SICHS. Realizing that teaching is really not my calling do I did a great job still it doesn’t filled my heart. I’d envy my colleagues who are happy doing their job and why I can’t be like them in order to settle down and to be happy. Why I felt this disturbance of my heart why others don’t? What’s wrong with me? Am I cursed? Or this is really not my path or purpose in life? I really craving to be enlightened and to grasp his message into my life and what really God wants me to do. However, this annoyance makes me compose a song that I love much to play every time it strikes back. It is entitled ‘The Light’.
The Day I Say Yes
It was July 9, 2006 at St. Augustine parish church. I was attending the 4th mass presided by Fr. Boy Cagatin. The afternoon was perfect to hear a homily since cool breeze is on the air. Nevertheless, when the mass started I felt unease and I can’t explain what I felt during that time its kind of disturbance again in my heart. I felt tired, bored, etc. And I argue God saying “Lord seldom I visit your house to be with you for an hour but why you treat me this way?” Until the homily was finish still I felt disturb not by the church goers, because I’m sitting alone in the pew. God disturb me. Without nowhere to run to hide and to powerless and to tired, I announce to Him saying “YES, I will go back in the seminary” adding “you win Lord” after that announcement the feeling of emptiness and unease were gone like a bubble and feeling fresh both body and soul. I was amaze of God’s manifestation to me in the pew. By this experience it became my conviction that I was really called in the priestly vocation. I was the last man who went out side the church after the mass because I’m still amaze of what happen before the communion. Bringing the realization, that God works in a mysterious way through simple things, God can’t be rationalize rather he may understand by listening your heart. Don’t think God rather feel God. Lastly, as what St. Augustine told us, that your heart is restless until it rest in God.
After the Manifestation
I write a song entitled “motivation/conviction”. I am now at peace; the trouble in my heart is gone already. Excited to reapply again in the seminary and spreading the news to my priest friends and my tita’s what happen to me last July 9. All my worries and uncertainties if ever I will be admitted again in the seminary was offer now to God. With nothing to be afraid off or worry about because I know now His with me in this journey. I will do the best I can give and he will do the things I can’t do. Now, we became partners in this journey to the Father.
Moreover, God gives me the message why I was sent out, why I was left in our batch, etc. he told me that there’s a purpose of everything he done unto me, to become stronger, because I have a task to do in the near future. Believing God says, yes He is precisely right. With out those crosses in my life I’m not this strong as I am now. I remembered what God says to St. Rose of Lima when He says “the graces comes after tribulation and that with out the cross men can find no heaven.” I know that following Him is not easy, but why should I worry if we love each other. Surrendering my self and let him bossed my life is the only key in this journey. This is how God called me. First, in the altar then in the pew. People say that the second time is greater than the first. YES!
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